“Do manners discourage independent thinking? Would societies be more creative without them?”

Anonymous (via Quora)

Manners play a crucial role in our social interactions and relationships with others. As Emily Post puts it, “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” Good manners involve being kind, considerate, honest, and respectful towards others, which enables us to express our thoughts and opinions without causing harm or discomfort to those around us.

On the other hand, creativity involves the use of imagination and original ideas, particularly in the production of art. However, creativity and good manners do not have to be mutually exclusive. Many works of literature explore the connection between the two and demonstrate how manners can coexist with imaginative thinking. The creation and publication of a book, for example, involve many people working together, and good manners are necessary to make this collaboration possible.

It is impossible to achieve anything significant in life without the help of others. Just like the production of a simple pencil, as described in the essay “I, Pencil: My Family Tree as Told to Leonard E. Read,” which requires the work of many people to bring it to completion. The same goes for our daily lives, where we rely on human interaction to pay rent, buy food, and carry out other essential tasks, which have become easier with the help of technology.

Etiquette, on the other hand, refers to the guidelines for social interaction, which can vary from culture to culture. However, it is crucial to use independent thinking when applying these guidelines to ensure that they are applied in a manner that does not cause harm to others or inhibit their freedoms. As Emily Post stated, “Etiquette is the science of living. It embraces everything. It is ethics. It is honor.”

Manners and etiquette play a crucial role in shaping our social interactions and relationships with others. Good manners enable us to express our thoughts and opinions without causing harm, while etiquette provides us with guidelines for social interaction. Both manners and etiquette are essential for functioning in society and achieving our goals and aspirations.

Brian E. Young is a graphic designer and artist in Baltimore, MD.

In the Artist and Designer Networking Guide, I discussed many tips on how to connect with other artists. Meeting new people is the first step Now what do you know that you know them? That’s the question for today’s Monday Q&A:

How do you continue after having met new people?
Hi folks, I love your ideas on meeting new people. But how can we become friends or continue from there? (I don’t mean finding a partner or lover.)
Anonymous (via Quora)

How do you form deeper connections with others? Be genuinely interested and curious about the people in your life! Have the courage to be the one who follows up. Being human as we all are, we fear the vulnerability of reaching out. Interest creates opportunities to follow up. Reaching out feels less scary if we know it’s something the person likes.

Having an interest in others is not as one-sided as it sounds. Empathy and thoughtfulness are traits that you bring to the table. Listening is a key idea in conversation, relationships, and friendship. Contact me saying “Hey remember the other day you mentioned you love art! Want to do dinner at Place and then check out the new Art Show at Gallery?” Wow, I’m impressed! You know what I like. And you gave me an easy plan to say yes to without me having to do the work of asking a billion questions. And you treated me like a grown-up who can make suggestions if I need to.

“We teach best what we most need to learn.”
Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

We’ve all been there. The new school. The new job. A new town. Old friends move away or caught up in other parts of their lives. I’ve experienced all of those. It’s not easy. New things never are. Here are some tips I’ve squeezed out from my experiences:

Tip 1: The cool thing about respect

Perhaps there was radio silence for a week or so. Rather than just sending a blank “Hi”, bring something to the conversation. “Hey, you said you were going to have a big meeting last week. How’d it go!”

In her book Bossypants, Tina Fey borrows the concept of the “Rule of Agreement” from improvisational comedy. With this rule, we agree with other people’s right to their beliefs by thinking “Yes”. Even if we disagree with someone, we’ll earn respect by being respectful. If we respond negatively to most things, we’re not very fun to be around. Who would be your friend, the guy who says “No, that’s a stupid idea!!” or the one who says “Oh yeah? Why do you think so?”

Agree to disagree. A cool thing about respect is that it’s okay to disagree! Close friends don’t agree on everything. We don’t want to walk on eggshells feeling like we can’t be ourselves. Especially not around our friends who are supposed to be a positive force. Awesome friends are people who will say “I totally hate tennis, and I get why it’s awesome and fun for you!”

“Social fallacies are particularly insidious because they tend to be exaggerated versions of notions that are themselves entirely reasonable and unobjectionable.”
Michael Suileabhain-Wilson

In his article on “Geek Social Fallacies“, Michael Suileabhain-Wilson touches upon disagreement. The first two fallacies discuss how many of us feel we must be agreeable or even people-pleasers. It’s okay to not like everything about everyone. You don’t have to like anyone or anything. Accept not being interested in every friend’s every interest. Having respect for someone’s interests is a different concept than agreeing.

If a friend hates tennis, they will be supportive when they can. They still won’t want to hear about tennis all of the time. Friends won’t always be a positive force either. Neither will you. The idea is that you’re adding to each other’s lives when you feel you can.

Tip 2: Choose to contribute

Tina also discusses the improv concept of “Yes, AND”. Be an interesting person with your own passions, dreams, and goals. Learn to be comfortable adding to conversations. Add in both expected and unexpected ways.

The next rule is MAKE STATEMENTS. This is a positive way of saying “Don’t ask questions all the time.” If we’re in a scene and I say, “Who are you? Where are we? What are we doing here? What’s in that box?” I’m putting pressure on you to come up with all the answers.

Experiment. Experiment by bringing up subjects with waiters, customer service workers, and coworkers. You’ll get to see a variety of reactions. Some individuals will be delighted to jump on a subject. Others will be uninterested. Many will be less excited to talk one day and in a better mood the next.

When you test the waters, you’ll get to witness how the response is rarely just about you at all. Most of us wish we could embody sunshine and rainbows and bring joy to every action. Sometimes though, I just don’t feel like going to a movie tonight or talking about my weekend. It’s not personal.

Get outside of the box and keep trying new ways of connecting. One experiment found initial evidence that people who sing together as an icebreaker are more likely to become friends over time.

Believe it’s not personal. Some days I may have the energy to explain “I really love seeing you and I’m tired, so not up for hanging out. Let’s plan for next week on Friday night.” On other days I’m exhausted, it’s just easier to trust that other people will understand if I say “Not tonight.”

“Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”
C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Be honest and considerate. If you’re still very unsure, be honest about not being clear. Just ask! Practice asking follow-up questions with kindness. “Hey New Person, I’m getting the feeling that you might not want to see this movie, and if so that’s okay! Am I reading things right?”

I feel closest to people who understand that I give my time and energy to them freely. It’s tempting to be demanding when feeling anxious. Resist that urge.

In the book “Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work”, Chip and Dan Heath float the idea of taking small steps to test your assumptions. Asking questions, listening to the answers, and if they fit with the actions. Practice leaning toward the benefit of the doubt. I’ve learned to underreact to hinting. Hints or perceived hints lead to miscommunication. React without jumping to conclusions.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
Elbert Hubbard

Is your new friend honest? And are you? A paper in the June 2010 issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships discussed a strong relationship between authenticity and connection. In a study of young girls, those who strive to be honest and open with friends and family were happier and had greater self-esteem. It makes sense that their connections were more meaningful and intimate. Conflict is inevitable. Honesty in conjunction with consideration and respect is the best bet for dealing with it.

Tip 3: I’m often wrong and a great person

There will be some new people you meet who you hoped would be great friends. Then it turns out that you’re less compatible than you thought. That’s okay!

“There are no mistakes, only opportunities.”
Tina Fey

Some people you may never see again. That is okay! If plans or connection or friendship doesn’t happen, it’s because it wasn’t right for both of you. It’s not because anyone did something wrong. You both show up, you be yourselves, and sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Even if you both had the ability to act perfectly, that doesn’t guarantee that you’ll connect in the exact ways you’d hope to.

So what if they aren’t your new best friend? Sometimes you make it on each other’s Christmas card lists and rarely much else. Maybe you just comment on each other’s Facebook posts. This may be someone who you just see when you hang out with mutual friends. Perhaps you’ll just check in every few months or a year just to have a nice online chat.

Have various activity partners. Some are friends who just like to get together for a certain activity like a painting class. You might just have dinner a few times a year or every year and catch up. You both love the renaissance festival and that might be the one time you hand out.

As the last of Michael’s Geek Social Fallacies suggests, friends don’t need to do everything together. Like with any investment, diversify. We can’t be all things to all people. We can’t expect any one friend to be all things to us.

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson

There’s no such thing as a perfect friendship. There are no prizes for perfect friends. Unless you want to have trophies made and hand them out, which would be hilarious. I have all of these kinds of friends and they’re all awesome.

Brian E. Young is a graphic designer and artist in Baltimore, MD.

“On the topic of new office spaces, is it better for creative designers, animators, motion designers etc, to sit together in open space or rather in their own separated spaces?”
Anonymous (via Quora)

Different individuals have different tolerances for different environments. Individual desires change how workspaces impact creative output. Some studies show the trends. An open office has the disadvantage of being a one size fits all solution. The premise is that managers place employees into a space of a certain design. Once they figure out the building design, won’t workers collaborate and create naturally?

Collaboration issues may perhaps be solved with new required steps and goal-setting. Everyone in the company has to have a clear expectation for the cause and effect of certain actions. How is thought rewarded and encouraged? How can we make decisions about new ideas? How do we make working together the least scary?

I have worked in a variety of shared spaces. I’ve worked in a community newspaper newsroom, a mixed-used open office, smaller 2-3 person shared spaces, and in a completely private office. The newsroom was surprisingly easy to work in. Everyone was very focused and professional, and with our tasks being very interconnected this made speaking aloud fairly easy.

The mixed-use space was the most difficult for me. I could overhear most conversations. These had little to do with my work, so I had very little reason to collaborate. It’s like being invited to a 5-day, 8-hour meeting each week. Almost all of this has little to do with my projects.

Privacy in open office plans

Some artists and designers don’t mind or even enjoy working while being connected to others. Think of the plein air, street, and caricature artists who frequently create with others watching in awe. Others work in private studios, only to reveal their work only when ready.

“Are you a concealer or a revealer?” Author Gretchen Rubin asks this question to highlight this distinction in her podcast, Happier.

Does the work of artists require more or less privacy than other types of workers? Having separated office spaces is dubbed “Architectural privacy” by psychologists. It is connected to “psychological privacy”, the feeling of control over ourselves and social interactions. This is according to a study released in 1980, before the current boom of more open spaces.

A lack of privacy is connected to decreased productivity. Employees are aware that they can be overheard. They may feel judged for their interactions. This decreases the amount of risk many will take during conversations. In a more traditional office, my personal experience was that there amount of serendipity in hallways, and running into familiar faces was casual and enjoyable.

Do we build relationships as one group or as individuals? When I had either a single-person office or a two- to three-person shared office, collaborating with members in other areas wasn’t an issue. It was easy enough to email, call, walk, or arrange meetings when they were necessary.

Employees who move from a traditional private office to an open office desk tend to be less satisfied. That’s what a detailed 2002 case study of a Canadian oil company found. They measured feelings, relationships, and performance. These employees were significantly less satisfied in all tested areas.

We all have different needs. Extroverts will be less impacted than introverts, who are more easily distracted by noise. In this experiment, reading comprehension was most significantly difficult with background distractions for introverts. Creative productivity is impacted by positive social and group contexts. Introverts are generally more sensitive to external stimulation.

Health risk with an open plan

“Open-plan offices have been found to reduce productivity and impair memory. They’re associated with high staff turnover. They make people sick, hostile, unmotivated, and insecure.”
Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

Noise is a factor. With five experiments, scientists demonstrated that moderate ambient noise such as a crowded coffee shop enhances creative productivity and performance. A higher level of noise reduces participants’ ability to complete creative tasks. Even at moderate noise levels, productivity decreased on tasks that required more detail-oriented work.

What about physical health? If mental health wasn’t enough of a factor, sickness was also found to be more common in open office spaces. The study compared seven office configurations and found the open office and shared desks to be the riskiest.

Case Study: Pixar

Pixar made huge efforts to balance these factors when building its office spaces. Pixar President Ed Catmull described the details in the opening section of his book Creativity, Inc.: Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration. Encouraging employees to take ownership of their private spaces was one of Steve Jobs’ goals. As the company is filled with passionate artists and programmers, each decorated their workspace with their style.

“In overseeing both Disney and Pixar Animation, each studio has a unique culture.”
John Lasseter, Chief Creative Officer of Pixar Animation Studios, Walt Disney Animation Studios, and DisneyToon Studios

The layout encourages community by having multiple lunch areas and paths that all meet in the center. Various spaces accommodate the idea of projects and require work best with different team sizes. By filling the space with large whiteboards and different furniture layouts, the entire space becomes more interactive. Large Pixar character models help break up the space and make it feel less formal.

A table provides an interesting example of the thought of each detail relating Pixar’s culture worked with their space. Again, from the book Creativity, Inc. A more traditional and good-looking table within one conference room emphasized an artificial hierarchy. With leaders sitting at the head of the table, employees were noticeably intimidated. The solution was a round table, modeled in the concept after King Arthur. This way all who attended meetings were equals.

A more blended situation combining the best of traditional and open spaces seems to be the solution. Consider embracing the company culture and individual needs. Find ways for artists to experience the privacy and avoid noise. At the same time, they found ways to encourage teamwork when needed. A review system allowed for regular discussion and health constructive criticism. Pixar built systems that have opportunities for collaborating rather than relying on the pure serendipity of a seating chart.

Brian E. Young is a graphic designer and artist in Baltimore, MD.